In my situation, I have very little “real” time to dedicate to my kids. I’m a widow, I teach water classes at the YMCA, I teach piano lessons, I write for the F3 webzine, I’m going to school, plus I volunteer at our local domestic violence agency and do some church assignments. Because I was already functioning at a high stress level, a majority of the interactions with my kids involved me yelling at them to do or cease doing something. I felt disconnected from my children, and it was not a feeling I liked at all. I was beginning to resent the additional stress they brought into my life.
That’s when it occurred to me. I may have a bit different background, but there are moms and dads everywhere that are facing this same issue. The daily task of simply trying to keep your heads above water is interfering with their relationships with their kids. I realized that what the problem was is that I had quit connecting with my kids like I did when they were infants and toddlers and it felt like all I did was connect with them. That’s when I came up with the concept of focused time.
I set aside certain blocks during the day that belonged only to my kids and their needs. It doesn’t have to be long periods of time. These times are mandatory for everyone in the family. The TV and computer go off, as do the phones. My schedule goes something like this; 15 minutes for breakfast to sit and read out of a good book together and have prayer as a family, 20 minutes after school to go through book bags and ask about their day and an hour in the evening to clean and tidy together, get dressed and have time to talk about our “Happy Journal”. The “Happy Journal” was an inexpensive diary I bought, that we use as a discussion tool. As the kids are gathered around the table for snacks before bed, I ask each one to tell me three things that made them happy that day. I find out so much about my kids through these 3 simple things. It gives us a chance to discuss their day; rejoice in their triumphs, solve their problems, and has given me treasured insight into the personalities and strengths of my individual children.
Remarkably, it also addressed behavior issues. Since my kids knew for sure they would have me at certain times, they felt less need to try and get my attention. Also, if they had to tell me something and I couldn’t right then, I could tell them specifically when they could.
Here are the keys:
· Schedule it! I made it a point to look at my day and decide when I could make this work. Then I blocked out the time on my schedule and it became part of what I do everyday. You make time for business meetings and laundry, make time for your kids. All of those things I was thinking I had to get done did get done. When I prioritized and made time for my family, there seemed to be more time for everything else.
· Don’t do anything else during your focus time! The key was not allowing anything else to interfere. I did not answer my phone, we turned off the electronics, and I mentally concentrated on pushing my other worries out of my mind. They would still be there afterwards.
· Interact! You may notice I choose things to do things that required me to not only be with my kids but to interact with them. Ask questions, listen, discuss. I also used the time to reinforce my values in a subtle way (book reading, prayer) and offer support to them for what they were going through (homework, school day talk)
